Puerility
by Evelyn Rose Caiside
Summary: [AU] The Doctor and Jack Harkness mess things up bad and get turned in to a teenage boys with Rose Tyler as a stand in mother, who is STILL mad at them. They have to visit Agraria to get a part so they can fix the TARDIS and themselves. Fluffiness, sarcas
1. Prologue

**A/N:** Hello! I'm starting this fluffy and humourous fic._ I have not abandoded my other story._ No worries.

In this AU, Jack is with the tenth Doctor and Rose. Rose stayed behind at the end of Journey's End. (No Handy.) and the Doctor doesn't regenerate. The Doctor and Rose are still in denial stage.

* * *

The Doctor and Jack were currently buried under the TARDIS console, surrounded in wires and tools.

"_Jack-_", the Doctor complained, "-that's for the hot water, not the lights."

"How was I supposed to know? It's not like you gave me a user manual."

Jack and the Doctor had been asked (commanded) by Rose to fix the lights in the TARDIS. Their tinkering the night before had messed them up and now they were bright all the time. But that wasn't the only reason Rose wasn't happy with them.

That morning, Jack had suggested a planet that had a colourful jungle and a beach with pale pink sand. The Doctor had been there once and enthusiastically set the coordinates. They failed to mention one fact. Women were rare on this particular planet, which meant that she had to act the part of the Doctor and Jack's slave. Someone making an offer on you every five minutes was rather offending. Then she had gotten kidnapped and taken to an auction. Several men had been confronted with the infamous Tyler slap and she was promptly returned to the Doctor, who she dragged back to the TARDIS. She said that they needed to fix the lights and then she stomped out of the room to take a shower and go to bed.

Things began to get out of hand when they started to discuss women and their moodswings.

"Honestly Jack, I've been almost everywhere and seen almost everything and I still don't understand them. And that's saying something because I'm _brilliant._"  
Jack sighed and started disconnecting another wire. "Don't even try, Doc. Only women understand women, and they _hate_ each other."

"I didn't think I'd ever say this, but you're right Jack."  
"It's not just a pretty face, Doctor."

The Doctor rolled his eyes before stepping back and looking at their work. "Um, Jack, do you remember which wire goes where."  
Jack looked up slowly. "You don't remember?" The TARDIS groaned. Almost all the under wires were disconnected and hanging loose.  
"Not really."

They set to work and had finally fixed the laundry room. (Rose would be happy to know that they actually had one.) The smell of singed hair hung in the air after they found out, the hard way, where the lights went. An hour later, all they had left was the wires the went to the Time Rotor, the water, and the pool. The gold wire was supposed to plug into blue or silver box. The red one went into the yellow box. (Or was it the silver box?) _Somehow_ they had gotten mixed up.

Without looking up, the Doctor instructed Jack on what to do.

"Just take that blue wire and put it with the silver box." Jack started doing as he was told when the Doctor flew around.  
"Jack, wait- Don't-", the Doctor grabbed Jacks' other arm as he plugged it in while looking back at him.

"Wha-"

The sound zap filled the room and they were thrown to the floor. The lights flickered, then died.

Jack groaned and sat up clutching his head. "Ugh, what happened?", his voice sounded unusually young. His jaw dropped when he saw the Doctor, who didn't look any older than fifteen years old. The Doctor was also gaping at Jack, who looked like he could be the Doctor's younger brother.

"Uh, Doc?"

"Right.", his deeper voice sounding odd, coming from his skinny frame. "You plugged the input wire from the Time Rotor into the plug that goes into the Time Vortex output instead of input, which means it reversed our internal clocks."  
Jack blinked. "We can fix it, right?" They both looked up at the underside of the TARDIS console that was considerably higher than it previously had been.  
The Doctor scowled and Jack thought he looked hilarious with his glasses on his smaller face. "Yes, if we can plug in on the right side. Well, if we haven't burnt out the Agrarian crystal."  
"Where's it at?"

"On the top side of that little blue box there.", he pointed up.  
"I suppose we check it out then, but how exactly?" Neither of them were tall enough to reach it.  
"Easy, I'll just- Right."

Then a thought came to Jack's head and he climbed onto his hands and knees. "Just step on my back and look at it."  
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Won't I hurt you?"  
Jack rolled his eyes. "Your skinnier than a toothpick, Doc."  
"Oi!" The Doctor held onto the wall and stepped onto Jack's back.  
"Take off your shoes, you numbskull!" The Doctor did as he was told and pulled out the crystal. It was halfway broken off and burnt. They both looked at it disdainfully.

"Well, I suppose we could fix the materialisation section so we can fly to Agraria to get a new crystal.", Jack finally spoke up.  
"If they even sell it there. We may have to go get it ourselves. No one uses these any more." The Doctor threw the crystal to the ground and grabbed his sonic screwdriver. "It's fried! My sonic screwdriver is fried!" The Doctor kicked the wall.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Does that help?"

"Oh, shut up."


	2. Rose Finds Out

**A/N:** So This idea turned out to be more popular than I thought I would be at first. Enjoy and review!

* * *

Wrapped up in her warm blankets, Rose finally awoke. She looked over at her bedside clock, which the Doctor firmly insisted that she didn't need, and saw that it was nine in the morning. The Doctor and Jack had let her sleep in which meant one of two things, either they feel asleep working on the TARDIS or something was wrong. Or she may have scared them yesterday. She didn't get mad often, but yesterday had been horrendous. She might've not been too mad about acting the part of a slave if they told her, but no. They completely forgot about it and dragged her out onto a planet lacking women. Oh well, at least she got to slap the men who had carted her off to the auction before Jack and the Doctor got there. Her mum would be proud, she thought sadly. She never ever regretted coming back to this universe, but she missed her mum terribly sometimes.

Rose stepped out of the shower and dried her dark honey brown bob. She had to admit that she liked her hair shorter. It was easier to take care of. She pulled on black cargoes and a soft pink t-shirt.

Stepping out of her bedroom, she yawned and listened for any sign of the guys. Rose walked to the console room after not hearing anything. It suspiciously smelt of burnt hair. Expecting them to be under the console, tinkering on the TARDIS, she stepped down the ladder and looked around. There was nothing under her except their shoes. What were their shoes doing under here? She walked over to grab them and heard a crunch beneath her feet. Rose looked down to see what remained of a- What exactly was it? She picked up the broken pink shards and stuffed them in her pocket. Hopefully it was nothing important. Hopefully.

She tiredly walked down the hall to the kitchen to get a cup of tea, wondering where they could be when he heard two well-known voices loudly discussing something. Rose followed them to the source and stood in the laboratory doorway gaping. The Doctor sat a table looking like a teenage boy. He was hunched over his sonic with his jacket hanging loosely over him. Jack, who looked even younger, was upside down in a chair watching him.

"It doesn't work like that, Jack. I can't just add a setting to the sonic.", the Doctor snapped his fingers. "I have to research it all and then I'd have to-"  
"If you made it work on wood, imagine the possibilities! What if we ever get stuck in a medieval prison, huh? What are supposed to do? Go to the guillotine?"  
"You _really_ think I'd get us stranded in a medieval prison?"

Jack shrugged.  
"Your lack of faith is disturbing.", the Doctor huffed.  
"We should have a Star Wars marathon."  
The Doctor raised an eyebrow and looked over at him. "That wasn't random at all. Does Rose even like Star Wars?"  
"For all I know, she could like Star Trek." Jack sighed. "Wouldn't that be horrible?"  
"More like borderline blasphemous. Ooh, alliteration."

"You are bloody _kidding_ me.", a female voice interrupted their conservation.

The Doctor and Jack turned around ever so slowly to meet a gaping Rose, who looked like she might pass out.

"Uh, hi, Rose?", Jack waved his hand and gave a smile.  
"We can explain-", the Doctor began, scratching the back of his neck.

"Yes, yes you will."

Jack was the first to speak up. "We were fixing the lights on the TARDIS like you said and then we were, uh, discussing something and then we got the wires confused-"  
"Jack connected the Time Rotor output wire into the Time Vortex input receiver -I probably _should_ label them-which caused a internal time loop- Well, not really a time _loop_, more like a-"  
"I plugged a wire in the wrong thing and it made us younger."

Rose raised an eyebrow. "Right." She pointed a thumb down the hall. "I'm going to get cuppa. No way am I discussing this without caffeine."

The Doctor and Jack started to follow her.  
"You shouldn't go to drugs for you problems, Rosie." , Jack said.  
"Yes.", the Doctor added. "You could addicted to caffeine, you know."  
Rose looked back. They were shorter than her now and it felt so ridiculous and hilarious that she wanted to laugh at them.

"I'm British, I was _born_ with an addiction to tea. There's really nothing you can do about it."

Jack smirked at her. "There's a twelve step program."

Rose rolled her eyes as she walked into the TARDIS kitchen. "Okay, you two sit down. I'll the water started."

"Oi!"  
"Since when do we have to listen to you?"

"I'm Jackie Tyler's daughter.", she reminded them.

They sat down and soon she slid a cup of tea in front of each of them. Rose sat down with her head in her hands and covered her face. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she sat back and laughed. She wasn't stopping and the Doctor and Jack looked at each other. Finally she sighed and took a sip of her tea.

"Rose?", the Doctor asked. "What's so funny?"

She choked on her tea and set the mug down wiping her mouth. "It just- You two look so-", she giggled. "You look so cute."

"_Cute?_", the Doctor both indigenously asked while Jack smirked.

Rose laughed and pointed at Jack. "Look at him. He can't be older than thirteen and his shirt looks like he stole it from his older brother.", she giggle and then she pointed at the Doctor. "And you look like your trying to be a science professor with that jacket. And your glasses are too big for your face.", she finally burst into a fit of roaring laughter while the Doctor and Jack looked on. They came over when Rose laid on the floor, gasping for breath.

"You need to breathe, Rose, you're hyperventilating."  
Rose laughed and swatted the Doctor away. "I'm fine." She pulled herself up and sat at the table, sighing happily. "You can fix it, yeah?"

The Doctor furrowed his brows and Jack took a gulp of his tea. "Yeah, but we sort of need to go to a planet to get a crystal first. I couldn't find an extra on the TARDIS."  
Rose pulled out the pieces from the broken whatever-it-was and set them on the table. "This wouldn't happen to be the crystal, would it?"  
"Yes, what happened to it?", Jack asked.  
"I stepped on it. Good thing I was wearing shoes, you litterers."

"_I _wasn't the one who threw it on the floor."

"Don't even start, Jack.", the Doctor rolled his eyes.  
"Just trying to debunk the myth of me being a litterer. _I'm_ universe friendly, thank you very much."  
"You're anything _but_ universe friendly. And I've seen you litter before."  
"Have not."  
"Have too."  
"Nope."  
"Yep."

"_Shut. Up_.", Rose sternly commanded them. "I think your guys' maturity has been reversed too."  
"Nope."  
"I don't think so."

She rolled her eyes. "Or maybe you just never had it in the first place."

"_Oi!_", they said together.

"So where do we get this crystal?", Rose asked laying back in her chair.

"Agraria.", the Doctor responded.  
"But we may not be able to buy it there.", added Jack.  
Rose raised an eyebrow. "Then how exactly our we supposed to find it?"  
"We may have to dig it out ourselves.", the Doctor added with his I-know-you're-not-going-to-like-this grin.  
"Correction. You boys can dig it out."  
"Boys? Really Rose?"

"What else am I supposed to call you?"

"She has a point, Doc."

"_Jack,_ how many times have I told you not to call me that?"

Rose rolled her eyes at their bickering and took the mugs to the sink. Then she was hit with the scariest thought in the world, or quite possibly the universe. The TARDIS groaned along with Rose.

A teenage Doctor driving the TARDIS wasn't going to fun.


	3. Welcome to Agraria

**A/N:** Here we are! Let's review more, shall we? ;)

* * *

Rose finally stopped the Doctor and Jack's bickering and sent them off to their rooms to change with some difficultly. She stopped by her room to grab her jacket and put on a little make-up. She sat at her vanity, putting on her mascara. The Doctor and Jack, now dressed in clothes their size, bounded into the room while she chuckled, thinking about when she used to cake her make-up on. They plopped down on the bed, laying on their stomachs.

"Honestly, Rose. I've told you before, you don't need to wear that stuff.", the Doctor spoke up as her flicked through a book from her nightstand.

"Have you?", asked Jack. The Doctor blushed and went intently through the book.  
Rose smirked and looked up in the mirror. "

"You like Anne of Green Gables, Doctor?"  
"Uh, er, yeah."  
"Gilbert's my favourite.", she sighed.  
"Gilbert?"  
"You haven't read it.", Jack poked the Doctor. "You're trying to _impress_ her, lover boy."  
"_Jack._", the Doctor breathed out warningly.  
"If you really want to impress her, watch the movies."  
"_Harkness._", he growled audibly.

Rose, who turned the colour of her name, finished up her mascara. She stood up and grabbed her black jacket from the chair. "If your done there, Fred and Barney, we can go." They hopped up from the bed and ran to the console room. Rose walked after them, shaking her head.

This was going to be interesting day.

* * *

"_Of course _I can drive the TARDIS. Just because I'm younger doesn't mean anything."  
"Doctor, you're one of the most craziest drivers I've met. You probably didn't even pass your test. Just promise me you'll be careful."  
"I'm always careful." She gave him the look while Jack watched in interest. "Your lack of faith is disturbing, Rose."  
"You can stop the Star Wars references now, Vader."  
"Stop the Star Wars references, I shall not."

"Well, at least Yoda more your age."

"Oi! I'll have you know that Yoda is older than I am. Time runs differently from universe to universe because of a slight warp in the Space-Time continuum. It's closer the the transdimensional walls though, so we don't notice it. But this one time in my third body-" The Doctor noticed Rose's scowl. "What, you don't believe me?"  
She shook her head. "No, I can believe it."

Jack gaped at her. "Don't tell me you like Star Trek more than Star Wars!"

"What does that have to do with anything? I was just thinking of Anakin's atrocious haircut."

Jack sighed and leaned back in the chair. "You worried me there for a moment. We thought you might like Star Trek instead of Star Wars."  
Rose looked between them. "Why does it matter?"  
"Rose-", the Doctor glared at her,"-the battle between the Warsies and Trekkies has gone intergalactic. Of course it matters."

Rose sighed and wrapped her arms around a coral strut. "Okay, forget I asked. Get on with it, flyboy."  
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Must you continue with the ridiculous nicknames, your highness."  
"Yes, you scoundrel."

He grinned and started his crazy dance around the console, pressing buttons and pulling levers. Rose and Jack hung on for dear life and the TARDIS trembled under the directions of the teenage Time Lord. She lurched away from a button he hadn't meant to push and continued on to the detestation he was aiming for. This threw her passengers from their seats. Jack slid off the chair and knocked his head on the console , the Doctor landed with a thump on his posterior, and Rose hit a shoulder on the corner. The TARDIS landed on Agraria quietly and the time travellers stood up to inspect the damage. Rose was pretty sure her shoulder was going bruise when she touched it tenderly.

"Catch me believing in your good driving skills again.", she muttered as they made their way to the door.

"I heard that."

* * *

The mini-Doctor spun on his heel, frowning as he scanned the area with his sonic screwdriver.  
"I meant to land later back. I'm not sure if they sell the crystals right now."

Rose sighed and looked down the alley they had landed in. It looked like 1950s London when they had meant to see Elvis, but everything was painted with brighter colours. There were no automobiles, just people walking and riding bike or a horse-like animal. The people who lived here looked human, but their ears came to a point and their skin took more of a purplish hue. They were also a little bit taller than humans. Three suns sat in the the azure sky that was lined with pink on the horizon. Mountains, reaching to the clouds, sat near the little village they had landed in. Overall, it was a very nice planet and Rose thought that she wouldn't mind coming here again just to look around.

"Why don't we just look around a little bit?", she voiced.  
"We could always try a pawn shop.", Jack spoke up, "They always have miscellaneous junk."  
The Doctor eyed him. "A part for the TARDIS is not _junk_, Jack. You're right though. No sense leaving when we've just got here.", he grinned and took Rose's hand. "Allonsy!"

The threesome walked down the street, taking in the sights of a busy market. Rose felt like an odd babysitter, holding to two young boys' hands. They came across a yellow tent filled with machinery parts and the Doctor and Jack had to stop to look. While they were looking around, Rose walked to the back to talk to the proprietor.

"Good morning! My name is Theo. there anything in particular you're looking for?", the tall, purplish man greeted her.  
"Well, they're supposed to be looking for a crystal-", she pointed a thumb back at the two boys, "-but they'll probably get distracted by all the parts they could use for their gadgets."  
The man chuckled. "Your boys tinker then? I'm sure they'll find something here. I've got the best selection in this market.", he said proudly. "Now what kind of crystal are you looking for?"  
"They called it a Agrarian crystal. It's light pink and we use it for a part in our ship. The Doctor said it's native to this planet. We may even have to go to mine it.", she explained.  
The man thought for a moment. "I've heard of it, but never seen it myself. You should check out a shop a few blocks down. It's run by an older man, Gregge. He has anything and everything in there. Even if he doesn't have it, I'm sure he would know how to find it."

Rose grinned and thanked the man before returning the Doctor and Jack.

"I know where we can get the crystal, boys."

The Doctor and Jack looked up from the part they were discussing and looked at her disbelieving.  
"And where would that be?", the Doctor asked.  
"Down the street. Some old guy named Gregge runs a shop. According to Theo, even if he doesn't have it, he can show us where to find it."

After narrowing his eyes at Theo, who he categorized as a pretty boy, the Doctor lead them out of the tent and down the street.

* * *

**A/N:** Star Wars references! *claps*


	4. Stereotypers

**A/N:** Sorry it's been so long! This chapter's kind of dumb, but I needed to get the story moving. :P

* * *

Rose walked down the busy market street, following the Doctor and tugging poor Jack along by the hand.

"But Rosie, I'm hungry!"  
"I know, sweetheart, but we've got to keep up with the Doctor. He's like a bloody teenager, he is. So stubborn.", she mumbled the last part to herself.

"I heard that!", the Doctor's smug voice rang out a couple paces in front of her.  
Rose rolled her eyes as Jack whined. "Can't we stop and find something to eat?"  
"After we find this Mr. Gregge's shop, dear."  
Jack laughed at her use of endearments as the Doctor huffed. "Don't go all motherly on him. He's going to get used to it, Rose."  
She was about to retort when Jack pointed out a run-down shop. "There it is!"

"Ah!", the Doctor pulled his fists out of his pant's pockets and started across the street with Rose and Jack in tow.

'Gregge's Pawn Shop' decorated the wooden sign that hung a bit off above the door. Stepping into the shop, Rose realised it was, in fact, neatly kept on the inside. There were many shelves that held bits and bobs and the boys were off, rummaging through them like kids on Christmas morning. Rose smirked at their retreated backs and went to find "old man Gregge". After searching the store, she waited near a counter where she could keep an eye on the Doctor and Jack. A middle-aged woman, who looked human except for the bluish hue of her skin and hair, came up to her.

"How old are they?", the woman asked.  
"What?", Rose whipped her head around.  
The woman motioned to the Doctor and Jack. "I asked, how old are they?"  
Rose opened her mouth to say something, but then shut it. She was pretty sure the woman wouldn't like almost a millennium and a couple centuries as an answer. "The Doctor's, uh, fifteen and Jack's, uh, almost thirteen."  
"I remember when my children were that age.", the woman smiled dreamily. "Time flies doesn't it?"  
"Yeah, but-"

"They were into tinkering too. In fact, that's why I'm here today. My oldest son's birthday is in a few days."  
"Oh, well, that's nice.", Rose gave the woman a supportive grin. "I should probably-"

"You know-", the woman gave her an almost disapproving gaze, "-you seem pretty young to have children this old."  
Rose noticed that an older man had come out of the back. "Uh, good genes, I suppose. Look, I-"  
"It's okay, dear. You don't need to tell me. I understand.", the woman patted her left hand. Rose looked down at it and pressed her lips together. Right. That's why people were giving her weird or snobby looks. She folded her arms in a defensive posture. Honestly, no matter where she went, people always thought the worst. It was getting annoying.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go talk to Gregge about finding a part for our _family's_ ship.", Rose turned away from the older woman who simply sniffed and walked off.

She stuffed her hands into her pockets, muttering about stereotypes while attempting to relocate the old man. Rose saw that the Doctor and Jack, both carrying several pieces of machinery, had already found him. Grinning at the Doctor, who was animately explaining their predicament, she walked over to the trio.

"Well, I don't think we have any in the store, son.", the tall, older, orange-ish man rubbed his balding head, "You'll probably have to go out and look for it."  
The Doctor's shoulders sagged as he frowned and Jack sighed exasperatedly.  
"What's this?", Rose questioned, only catching the last part of the conservation.  
The shop owner turned to her. "Are you their mum?", he asked with a warm smile.

Rose bit her lip as the Doctor's jaw went slack and Jack snickered. "Well, um, you see-", she then gave a lopsided grin. "Actually, yeah."

She was never going to hear the end of this.

"Oh, well, Ma'am, I was just telling your boys here that I don't have any native crystals in the store. No one buys them nowadays."  
"Where do we get them from then?", the Doctor piped up.  
"You'll have to go over to Morport -it's about a mile north- and look in the old mines. From what I know, they're perfectly safe, just not convenient."  
Rose frowned for a moment and then gave Gregge an earnest smile. "Do you have a map or something we could have?"  
"We don't need a map-", the Doctor started, but Rose cut him off with The Look.

"Doctor, we need a map."

He huffed in agreement as Jack silently smirked at him. Gregge smiled at the group and walked behind the counter, where blue-woman-who-was-a-labeller was looking, to pull out a battered piece of paper.

"Here you go, Ma'am.", he handed it to Rose, "Sorry I wasn't much help."  
"You've helped us by telling where we could find it.", she encouraged.  
The old man looked down at her. "It was nice to meet you and your boys. Knowledgeable, they are. Taught me a thing or two."  
Rose noticed, out of the corner of her eye, the blue woman watching them and she smirked. "They must get it from their _dad_." The two being conversed about gaped and the woman stiffened up and walked off haughtily.  
"Have a good day, Mrs-"  
"Tyler. Rose Tyler. You too.", she shook the man's outstretched hand as he handed her the bag of the Doctor and Jack's

Holding back a grin, she grabbed Jack's hand and pulled him out of the shop with the Doctor following them. When they were far enough away, Jack started laughing and Rose joined in.

"You told them that you are our _mother_?", the Doctor spluttered.  
Rose wiped her eyes. "Yes, yes I did. What else am I supposed to say? That I'm your older sister? You didn't have to deal with that stereotyping snob!"  
"It's going to be slightly awkward now, isn't it, _brother_?", Jack elbowed his "brother's" side with a smirk.  
"Shut up, Jack."  
"Now be nice.", Rose admonished with a shake of her head, "Let's find some place to eat."

"That way!", they both said simultaneously, but pointing different directions.


End file.
